it all started when i was 2 and i rode my first bike on training wheels i fell several times and could never even be able to get it the first time right. but i was determine like most kids that age to learn how to talk and walk around in circles with out falling the couple times. but at that same year i moved to medford oregon where i grew up as a child. since then i have been screwed up the total time i have been here i am afraid of being crazy yet in my dreams i assumed to always be that way or atleast the one who should take the blame for anything. all these dreans keep on telling me is that i always been the person to get hurt or in trouble. i had a tertrible dream that had such an effect on how i pursue things in life how i would generally think on any educated level. but where do i take a dream that seemed so real and so princible in all ways. i know in my heart i am a good person but in my night mares i am weak in many ways to where i let people push all over me i am a peice of dirt that is stepped on through out life. you could say that no body would want to have them like i do where sometimes you are in a reality that you cant easily get yourself out of. thats how i feel so crunched in one spot where its "hayley's time to be picked on" but yet it has been my turn the whole time they just wanted to say that to make me feel that someone else was there to be punished. that i wasnt alone.
but i am always alone in so many directions you would have to be there to understand all the concepts related. you can say i live to be punished yet not guilty but i was never on trial just end up being that hit person that people the like to say it was my fault and would never concider my feelings or how i wanted it to be. see im the failure that lets people or i should say aliens walk all over me like i am a peice of gum on the side of the sidewalk that a person just left me to leingure around. like no one ever hears you and that your all alone with no one to see what you would say or think but hey that life right if you arent heard then make em hear, make em listen make them look at you and give you the respect that you deserve. thats how it should always be if arent heard get them to hear you!!!!

DEAR HEART-
MY LIFE IS A STRUGGLE APART OF ME LIVES FOR THE ONLY ONE THE OTHER HALF LIVES TO JUSTLIVE ONLY TO SURVIVE. NOW LIVING TO SURVIVE IS THE WORST TO LIVE FOR, BUT I WANT TO LIVE FOR SOMETHING MORE LIKE SOMETHING THAT WOULD BRING ME LIGHT AND WARMTH WHEN IT IS DARK AND COLD. WHAT IS IT TO REALLY BE HAPPY AND TO BE COMPLETELY SATIFIED? HEY IF I KNEW I WOULDNT HAVE ASKED.LOL ALL I CAN SAY IT IS WHAT U HAVE THAT CAN MAKE U HAPPY: LIKE FAMILY, FRIENDS, GOOD HEART, LIVING FOR THE FULLEST, LIVING FOR WHAT U KNOW, NOT FOR THE GRANTED.... NOW WHAT I WANT TO LIVE FOR IS FOR MY SELF NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE, BUT DO DO ONLY FOR THE GOOD AND NOT WHAT IS WHAT IS HOW MUCH IT WOULD MAKE U FEEL AS TO EVIL IN THOSE TIMES.... ALL I WANT IS TO FEEL LIKE I DONT HAVE TO GIVE SOMETHING UP TO BE LIKED. (ESPECIALLY BY GUYS THATS THE MOST). BUT TO BE LIKED FOR ME AND NOT THE WAY I LOOK OR ACT  OR WHAT THEY WANT FROM ME , THAT I AM A PERSON NOT A THING ON THE WALL THAT U HANG UP....

all i know is when ever i have a nightmare it has to do with everyone agianst me, wanting to hurt me in a anyway i cant tell u how many times i would cry to sleep after a dream i had about my death of myself it is weird how people can have dreams of there own death about to happen. well i know i can its real hard to realize u have had the most worst nighmare and not be overwelmed all at the same time. just to get off the subject my best friend is online and hasnt even cared to im me which means there is something wrong in our relationship or it is just her thats could be wrong cuz im not sure if i didnt do anything wrong but im pretty sure ifi did she would have yelled at me or something stratic like that.i keep asking myself what have i done now to make her run away then i think to myself she is running from but me having no clue on what anyone have done to her. to my conclusion i think she is running from herself and all her problems if anything she is thinking "what hell am i doing here? or where can i go to escape them , they keep coming back !!!" who knows what she is thinking to tell u the truth maybe im the one who is running but yet im getting somewhere and she is just failling like her best trait these days.
im getting tired of these nighty nightmares they are driving me crazy!!! so i am gonna go to bed but ttyl im sure  will tell all the issues i have the next day or even what the next was about so yeah ttyl byes.

u know my friend she is having some problems right well i guess she cant talk to me anymore about them and i dotn know what to do i feel like we are losing our friendship so quickly and its like im out in the cold on her life and how she feels. she doesnt want to hang out with me anymore and i guess maybe i did something wrong. i wish i could tell her how this is making me feel but i might think she wouldnt understand and try to tell me it isnt what i think it is. i have been feeling this way for a long time and i dont know how to take it anymore. i have been trying to talk with her and trying to spend time with her but it seems shes not interested and she has other things more important than me. i wish i knew what to do it has been such a problem lately with her and i cant tel u how much i want to hug her and tell ilove her no matter what happens between us that she will alwasy be mny friend whether we are friends the way we were or less who knows these days. i want let go of these feelings that i am getting from her and i cant get that that way bc we have been friends for so long. how do u let go of a long friendship that has been there and has so many great memmories thati dont wan tto forget.
i guess there are always a chance to make new friends when i move cuz i know that wheni move thati wont have to deal with her shit and these problems. but hey thats a way of life to deal with all these issues.